“The Foot” A Funny Side to Plantar Fasciitis

Do you think plantar fasciitis can’t have a funny side?  Think it doesn’t affect those around you?  I’ve got a story that proves that both of those assumptions are nonsense. Here’s a true story that a friend of mine told me.

I used to be the Firm Administrator for a high-end, national accounting firm.  I had personally designed the interior of our brand spanking new office space, all 15,000 square feet, happily spending the half million dollar budget.  I selected carpet that would hide stains, modern but professional looking natural maple desks, and ergonomically designed cubicles.  My desk lost its usual spreadsheets and reports, now covered with pretty paint chips and catalogs of artwork. 

But my proudest work was the lobby.  I spent an entire day picking out the comfy chairs and coffee tables.  I commissioned an artist to do a series of pieces for one wall.  The firm name gleamed in stainless steel glory under the flood lights that had been installed in just the right spot to highlight the logo.  And I spent an entire day selecting the perfect granite slab for the reception desk.  When it was finished, it was a spectacular lobby that made me proud to walk into work each morning.

One Monday morning, I breezed into the office, giving my long-time receptionist my usual quick “Good morning, did you have a nice weekend?” before stopping in my tracks.  Linda was there, behind the gleaming granite desk, like a queen on her throne, except that her very large, bare foot was elevated on another chair.  Linda* was a large woman, in height and girth.  I had never noticed that her feet were so huge, and she was in dire need of a pedicure.  I gasped, thinking of King Henry VIII with his swollen, gouty leg propped up on a stool. 

Of course, I had to ask what was going on.  Her reply was stunning.  “I have to have my leg amputated!”  Knowing Linda to be our office drama queen, I knew to ask if she had actually seen a doctor yet.  In fact, she had not, but her foot hurt so much she was “just positive” that it needed amputation.  Finally, I convinced her to make an appointment with a podiatrist, then went back to my office, closed the door and tried to forget The Foot that awaited anyone who ventured into our office.

As it turned out, Linda plantar fasciitis.  I’d never known how exquisitely painful plantar fasciitis really was, and most people in our office had never heard of it.  Linda, of course, used her affliction for every bit of sympathy she could garner and embraced her new power to turn the rest of us into her slaves.  “Can you get me a refill on my coffee?  The doctor told me to stay off my foot.  Hazelnut creamer with Sweet ‘n Low, okay?”  My entire administrative team became her personal assistants.  “Can you make 15 copies of this for me and collate it?  I’m not allowed to stand on my foot.”  The partners of the firm, no doubt horrified by the site of The Foot elevated in one of their expensive chairs in their beautiful new lobby, asked me to “do something.”  I suggested they pay for a pedicure and remember that there were laws to protected ‘the disabled.’

After her surgery (you don’t even want to hear the blow-by-blow details of that), Linda graduated to being able to wear sandals.  Daily, we were greeted by The Foot, still elevated, but now dressed in hot pink or electric flip-flops.  Definitely not part of our dress code.   I began having nightmares of being beaten upside the head by flip-flops.

As uncomfortable as the experience was (for me, the partners, the administrative team, and any visitor who opened our lobby door and didn’t run screaming at the site of The Foot), I did end up feeling badly for anyone who has experienced plantar fasciitis. In addition to being damned inconvenient, it was obviously incredibly painful for Linda.  Eventually, we all accepted the daily site of The Foot, recognizing that her physical pain eclipsed our psychic discomfort. 

And when she was 100% back on her feet, I bought her a gift certificate for a pedicure.

*Linda’s real name has been changed to protect me from being killed by her husband.